10 Mar Aisle 29
Monday afternoon I found myself on aisle 29 of H-E-B with tears streaming down my face.
The aisle I desperately avoid at Target, Walmart, and H-E-B is the one I asked for assistance to find.
My heart has been in protective mode for over a year now.
We have walked through loss, infertility, and grief as we have grown our family over the last 7 years.
I’ve learned how to guard my heart over the years. Avoiding the baby aisles, not holding little ones, and un-engaging – when possible, in talking about why we just don’t have another child biologically or why can’t I get to a place of being happy with the two I have. Often these questions come from a place of misinformed or unaware of the fact that the Lord has lead us to adoption not out of a place of having to but out of a deep ache for a child we know is meant to be ours, but isn’t with us yet.
Our adoption journey has been one full of twist, turns, and leaning fully into the Holy Spirit for guidance. It is a beautiful life lived trusting fully in Him!
Very recently, our adoption process is moving right along with this next month full of tangible progress. Monday morning I sent out our second adoption email update to friends who requested to receive it. After I hit send my heart just felt heavy. Anxious. I thought sharing our journey would be easier than it is but in all honesty it is hard. Each time I share I get nervous. overwhelmed. anxious. Unsure of what others might think as we share.
Feeling as if our child is so close yet still so unreachable.
Monday we had sweet family visiting so it was a fun day spending time with them. It helped ease my anxious heart. In the afternoon I was struggling to be calm and patient – and decided to run to the store alone for some baby proofing items we need for our home.
For the first time in a year I sought out the aisle I had avoided for so long to protect my heart, mind, and emotions from thinking on the child I ached for often.
I stood there looking at all the things we needed, feeling overwhelmed by the cost of adopting financially and the weight of the journey we are on. All of the emotions that I’ve held onto over the last few years of wondering if we would ever get to where we are at in our journey today. I told God, “ You see me, hear me – here – this is my overwhelmed, anxious, heavy heart – keep it safe. God when I get anxious – be my quiet, still, calm, constant place – just overflow me with your peace and presence.”
Tears streamed down my warm face as strangers pushed baskets full of groceries right passed me.
There was no way to avoid looking like a crazy lady in our local HEB, I embraced it.
I called my husband for emotional support and he told me he had some good news. To come home so he could tell me in person.
Someone had called him to let us know they wanted to sow into our adoption financially. This person called my husband in the very moments I told the Lord I’m done carrying my emotions and heaviness – I invited him to take my heart and all the worries of this journey.
Two days prior another couple blessed our family financially.
Within 48 hours of us deciding to take our adoption a new way in signing with an agency, the Lord blessed our family with $3,000 towards our $12k we still need.
These financial blessings have been encouraging reminders that the Lord has us, that he sees us, knows our needs and is taking care of us each day as we step out in faith.
Please know the Lord has you too. Step out in faith, be brave in Him, trust deeply, lean into the Holy Spirit with a whole new confidence and walk with the Lord daily. Everyday doesn’t come easy but everyday decide to say yes to Him. The heaviness of life will come and go but the one who makes it lighter is within your reach. The one who brings joy is right with you. The joy of the Lord is truly sustaining.
We still have a ways to go emotionally and financially in our adoption journey to bring our sweet baby home but the Lord is moving. There will be days ahead that I need reminders of Gods provision, love, and peace. On those days I’ll come back to read this and remind myself that He is faithful.
Oh my, what a beautiful life this is to trust in Jesus!